Wanting to die is wanting relief for oneself. Wanting relief is not that bad. At least you want peace, at least you have a desire for something better. It’s just that the wish to die is a little misguided. You have become so clouded that you can’t see your own light anymore.
If you feel suicidal: get professional help immediately! In the U.S. call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Then come back and read the rest.
My love, you have become blind to your own existence. You have started to see only what is outside of you. You have for some reason started to focus only on what doesn’t work, on what is awful. You forgot the other aspects. Your vision has become a little distorted. What you see is not the truth, it’s illusion.
The truth is inside you. The joy and love you want is inside. We all share in it. You don’t need anything outside of yourself to have it. Don’t believe what you see. Believe what you are. You are not the darkness you perceive. You are not your thoughts. You are not what happened to you. You are not what you did or didn’t do. Nothing can define you. Really. Nothing can define you. Never see yourself as a victim or a perpetrator. It's the biggest trap.
So how do you find your own light? Although it’s all true I’m not going to tell you that life has much to offer, that others love and need you, that you are loved and needed, that you have much to give and much to receive. It’s true but it may not help you where you are.
Instead I’m going to give you something practical, something to do. I’m going to ask you to find one thing – just one single thing – that you love and appreciate in your life. It can be ANYTHING. Maybe you have a lovely couch. Or you love coffee. Or you love sleeping. Perhaps you have seen a beautiful painting or someone said something nice to you, even once. It may seem unimportant in the enormity of pain. But try.
Find that ONE thing and appreciate it. Just sit down and focus fully on that thing for ten minutes. Look at it from different angles and just appreciate the hell out of it. Remind yourself how much you love it and how good it feels to love it. Remind yourself of all the times you have appreciated it in the past and how many times you can still appreciate it in the future. Remind yourself that it always has been there for you.
Do that concentrated for 10 minutes every day. Do it the same time every day even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t let any darkness seep in for those 10 minutes. You can do it, it’s just 10 minutes. Write your appreciation down for the days when it’s extra difficult.
Make your appreciation a habit and when it has become a habit find another thing to appreciate, appreciate for a longer period of time. Come back to it several times a day, expand your appreciation as much as you can.
It may feel difficult in the beginning. It may feel meaningless, impossible. Keep doing it and see what happens. Just see what happens to your inner light. Remember that your light is always shining no matter what. It took sometime for you to sink into darkness. Accept that it will take some time to rise into your light.
Appreciation opens up your vision. And when you can feel appreciation: Trust.
Trust is a little bit more difficult but you can do it. Trust your breathing. Trust your self. Trust life. Trust suffering. Trust joy. Trust sadness. Trust beauty. Trust your hands. Trust the universe. Trust everything fully. Be childlike in your trust.
Trust isn’t the same thing as believing. Believing is of the mind. Trust is of the heart.
The moment you lost your trust you invited suffering. It’s easy to think that we protect ourselves from suffering by not trusting people and situations but it’s the opposite. When you stop trusting you start living in the mind and not from the heart. The heart always trusts. The mind always distrusts.
By trying to protect yourself from being occasionally hurt you start to live in perpetual pain. The moment you start trusting yourself and your life again, you increase your light. Distrust makes you closed and hard. Trust makes you open and soft.
Remember that there was a time when you trusted. There was a time when you appreciated all the little things. Probably when you were little. Remember how it felt.
You can make it through. You are everything you need. I’m not saying it will be easy. But it’s possible.
Everything I write on this blog is first hand experience.. I decided early on that every word I publish here has to come from my own experience, from my heart. I have had many teachers in many shapes and forms. I am grateful for what they have taught me and for my heart remaining open in even the most difficult expereince.
It’s not my job to create theories or state “truths”. Truth is. Nothing needs to be said about that. It’s my job to convey experience, to inspire others to investigate for themselves. Don’t believe me. Test me! I write what I know and not what I have heard.
But now that I’m writing about death I sidestep that vow. I’m obviously not dead. I have never died. I have never had a near death experience, and I am not immediately dying.
My only experience with death his that of a close friend who died and second (or third?) hand experiences from others who have lost loved ones.
Technically we are all dying. We all go towards death every single moment. It’s just that some of us can maintain the illusion that our lives will go on in eternity while others cannot. If you are dying from a disease – how can you fool yourself? You will have to face your mortality. You will have to face that you are soon stepping into the unknown and most likely (this is a guess) you will quickly learn what is important in life.
Most likely you will learn a lot about life in death. Much more than others who are not aware of death and dying. Death teaches about life. Death teaches about love.
While you live in good health it’s fairly easy to pretend, or forget..This plays in well with our habit of taking everything for granted. I take my health for granted, my loved ones’ health for granted, my lifestyle for granted etc. And we keep on running towards goals that we think will make us happy.
When the only moment for happiness is now. Not later, not before, but now.
We take life for granted and we take all the wonders of this world for granted. If you stop and think about a seed, for example, if you really go deep into it – how can you not be blown away? If you think about a sperm and an egg merging and creating a new life – how can you not be completely dumbfounded? When you think about that you get to experience this universe from an earthly perspective – when it would be much more likely for you to not exist AT ALL - - -
We are so tiny. You could have been stardust instead. But you are a human being on planet Earth. You have a heart and a brain. You can move around independently.
We desperately want to make ourselves bigger by becoming something, being ”something”. And forget that it is in just BEING that we are immeasurable. We run away from our mortality when we could sit down and invite it, when we could let it teach us about all the wonders of the world, about love and meaning.
I have chosen to live in wonder. I have chosen to see all these little small things in my life. It has led to a life that is so full of beauty and wonder that I sometimes just melt and explode at the same time. How the sunshine touches a leaf, eye contact with a stranger, the blueness of the sky, the wildness of my feelings, and even the sorrows of my life. They have their own special beauty.
In choosing wonder you will sooner or later have to face your mortality and your deepest fears. Or rather, the other way around: In facing your mortality you come to live in wonder. This facing is not pretty. True. But you will go through it and in doing that you will learn something about life and love.
Life and death are inseparable. Desire itself is life. Blind desire for something is running away. Pure desire is a blessing. Pure desire is surrender, love, God.
When I think about my own death I feel that it will be a blessing if I am allowed to die with awareness. I hope that I won’t die in my sleep. Just like I gave birth to a new life in full awareness I want to die in full awareness. Of course, if I get very sick and suffer extremely I might change that wish. I don’t know. But if you take away physical suffering, I wish that I can die slowly and with full awareness.
I have come to believe that dying can be a beautiful experience. I have come to believe that if you face all your fears while living, dying will be easier. The transition from life to death will be smoother. Because your fear is your resistance and resistance always creates suffering. You might be right in your resistance, death might be unfair, but at this point right and wrong is irrelevant. Even fairness is irrelevant here. That hurts of course. But the sooner you can let it go the closer you will be to love.
Dying is of extreme significance. If you live your life in unawareness you will die in unawareness. That seems to me the biggest and saddest waste. I have noticed, by experience, that when people die they leave a gift to the living. It is your choice to accept it or not. The most obvious gift is the heart opening in the middle of grief that I have seen time and time again. The dead teach us to love one another. Death opens up for love among the living.
Apart from that there is a myriad of other gifts that will be unique for you. A relationship with a dead person never ceases. Just like any relationship it grows and changes and deepens. This too is a beautiful gift.
You are so endlessly loved and embraced.
Charlotte Brady about love, life, freedom and abiding in the heart every moment of the day. This is where flesh is spirit and spirit flesh in raw unadulterated devotion. Life is worship!
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