After a brief visit in heaven, I left and walked into hell. I had no idea this would happen. The scriptures never bothered to explain. I was blind in hell and kept walking through the fire. I knew I had to keep on walking, walking. I was completely lost but kept on walking, my eyes fixed on nothing but the walk. There was no question of belief. There was no question of doubt. There was necessisity, a burning force that wasn’t mine but acted as if it was. There was no question of giving up because there was nothing to give up. The resilience wasn’t mine. The resolve wasn’t mine. There was trust. There was never any choice. The madness wasn’t mine. The failure wasn’t mine. The success wasn’t mine.
A voice kept calling me; the voice that is not a voice. Love kept calling me; the love that is more than love. The love that falls outside of every characterization, the love that goes beyond relationship, the love that is not about two, nor many, nor a lonely one. The love that doesn’t have a name, the love that never begins nor ends. Freedom kept calling me; the freedom that is more than freedom – and peace whispered my name.
Illusion after illusion fell like torn out pages from a book; the story of my life. I learned you don’t clean up in hell, you keep on moving even though you don’t know up from down, right from left. You keep on moving, keep on losing, because that is the only way to heaven. It goes through hell.
Heaven is an open invitation. I know the travel there isn’t very tempting and not many will accept. But if you are handed the invitation by that voice, by that love, by that freedom and that peace, you won’t be able to decline.
Important people will promise you can win. Don’t believe them. Not in this game will you ever win. This game is set up for losing, only you must know that losing isn’t what it seems and winning isn’t either.
I’m a hero in this story, a fallen soldier, a disoriented captain. I extend my hand, I’ll keep you company on this journey where you will be your own imperfect guide. You will learn to avoid the downfalls on your own, how to jump over the abyss, grab onto branches and find the resting place. If you decide to make the journey I’m right here where I can always see you. You are my love, my heart, my hero. Now jump! You have everything to lose and that is the point! The winning is in the losing.
A few days ago I experienced a dark, dark night of the soul. This blog was conceived in that abyss. I have experienced darkness before but this was different. Why was I even born to this Earth? Why did I bother to come here? Earthly life seemed futile, wasted, a tremendous abuse of time and everything we claim to love.
I have been on a path to freedom for two decades now, or longer. Yes, since I was born really. It has slowly shaped itself before my eyes. First a longing for freedom, then effort, intense effort, then effortlessness. I didn't know I was even on a path for most of my life. I just lived. But as one thing after another fell away I realized the world isn't what it seems to be and I saw the path and it was walking me. At every step of the way it led my feet in the direction they were supposed to go and I walked along even if it didn't make sense. Just one foot in front of the other. - - - -
I was always free. I just didn’t know. Even now I don’t understand the totality of my freedom. Like the caterpillar stretching its body over the empty space where its path ends, I am exploring nothingness. But where the caterpillar returns to safety, I don’t. All creation takes place in darkness. The caterpillar showed itself as I was writing. This is a blog about JOY!
Charlotte Brady about love, life, freedom and abiding in the heart every moment of the day. This is where flesh is spirit and spirit flesh in raw unadulterated devotion. Life is worship!
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