Fast forward many years: Now I know who I am. I’m no one and everyone. Where do you go from there? That’s easy. I go nowhere. I am already here.
I looked at myself from the moon, sort of. I saw my life and how I had used it. I saw choices I had made. They didn’t seem like choices anymore. Every choice had been inevitable. I couldn’t have chosen differently. I saw I am not this body. I am not this body’s emotions. I am not its memories. I am pure awareness.
The next thought that came: So what am I supposed to do for the rest of my life on Earth then?
It made me feel depressed.
I just couldn’t figure out a way to relate to it. How do you live in the world with the knowledge that you are not your body? I was of course still dependent on my body and my physical life went on as normal, as if nothing had happened. Yet nothing was the same. The world was different. It didn’t behave like it used to. It wasn’t as real. In a good way.
For a long time I felt that I had to do something.
Then it happened. It was subtle. Very, very subtle. I just slipped out of my ordinary feeling of what my life was supposed to be like.
Before this happened I felt I had given up everything. All my most precious dreams were given up. Not that I didn’t want any of it but I had emotionally let it go. I didn’t need it the way I had needed it before. I didn’t desire it. If it happened – fine. If it didn’t happen – fine.
This was freedom in itself.
But I still couldn’t figure out what to do with my life. I still felt I had to do something. After all, that’s what people do. They do stuff. They do stuff they like and they do stuff they have to. They talk about what they have done and they talk about what they want to do. Doing is king.
But there weren’t many things I wanted to do. And there weren’t many things I had to do. It left an awful of of time to fill. I couldn’t figure it out. The only thing I knew was that I didn’t want to do things just to fill up my time.
It had to be meaningful and important.
Then it just seeped into my system somehow and all of sudden I had it figured out. I knew exactly what I was supposed to do the rest of my time here on Earth.
This is not what people want to hear when they start out on their spiritual journey. They want to be promised everything. They want to hear that they are going to get all that they want. All the spiritual self help books and many spiritual teachers promise this. Even if they preach letting go they still somehow promise that you are indeed going to get what you want. Let go of your ego and then you’ll get everything you ever wanted.
Well, if you want to let go of your ego I can tell you that the ego is not going to fall for that. The ego will remain fully intact. It will wait for its goodies while pretending to be given up. The spiritual egos are the worst! It’s the ego’s job to want things, to crave things. That’s what it does for a living.
Anyway, I realized that I am simply supposed to be living each and every day out of this body doing what this body has to do. I don’t need to concern myself with what. There are certain duties and there are certain inclinations. That’s perfectly fine. I just do what I do. I don’t crave experiences. I don’t crave people and things. I accept what comes. Being is king!
It sounds totally unremarkable but to me it is sublime. I am free! The only thing I ever truly wanted.
It doesn’t matter to me what others do or don’t do. Everyone is perfect in choosing what they want. Everyone I meet is perfect just the way they are. They couldn’t be in any other way.
None of this is mine. This body isn’t mine. This family isn’t mine. Theses relationships aren’t mine. This stuff isn’t mine. I still enjoy it all. I lovingly accept all, as it is.
I say to myself: “This is the way Charlotte’s life turned out. This is where she lives, this is what she does, what she eats. Look at that!”
And I experience God. I feel God in my heart. Every day I feel God. I meditate and pray. I rarely ask for anything. I just give thanks. I don’t belong to any religion. I don’t follow any particular direction except from love. I don’t have to. My experience is so strong, my faith unshakeable. My God has set me free. I am loved unconditionally.
It’s like I was given an injection and it’s still spreading in my system. I’m pretty sure that it will never stop. I will continue expanding every day because that’s what the soul does for a living.