Pain, this is Charlotte
Charlotte, this is Pain
While Pain was eager to meet me I had no desire to become friends with her. I wanted to get as far away from her as I could. But she kept pursuing me.
She would never give a reason for her interest in me. I tried to come up with my own theories but she just shrugged and kept seeking my friendship.
A while ago I finally said to her: “Okay, then. Let’s be friends. Welcome to my world. Sit down at my table. Show me your real face. Tell me what you believe in, what your dreams are. She didn’t like that one bit. She soon got up and left.
It looks like she finally lost interest in me.
Yes, I too have met the nameless pain that mercilessly toys with us. It catches us when we are unguarded. It controls us and maintains its power by keeping us in the dark about its true meaning. The feeling it most resembles is fear, vague but threatening.
It often appears without a reason. It’s hard to accept suffering without a cause and so we try to deny it. That doesn’t stop it. It just finds new ways to articulate itself. One of its favorite methods is to stir something up in our outer life that can’t be ignored.
As if saying: “I’m here. Deal with it.”
I have tried to come to terms with this mysterious suffering. I have tried to explain it. I have tried to fix it. I have tried to deny it. I have seen it play out in my life.
It’s still a mystery. But it’s getting clearer.
I have come to understand that somehow it’s linked to the very essence of my being. I can’t divorce, deny or delete it. I can only deal with it. Ugh!! I can deal with it in its nameless state or I can deal with it when it plays out in life events.
It’s usually a little easier to deal with its manifestation in life events. At least it gives us something to focus on, something to do.
It can take pretty nasty turns though, and the initial problem can create a host of sister problems if we don’t realize that it’s not really about what is happening on the outside.
It’s very common that it plays out in our relationships; our most vulnerable point.
The nameless form of this suffering is rarely talked about. What is there to say? There are no explanations and no obvious reasons for it. It is so intimately linked to who we are that it’s almost impossible to let anyone else in. We hardly let ourselves in. It’s an extremely vulnerable place. Or so I once thought.
Now I see it as a place of pure power.
I think perhaps that there are many who don’t even like to admit that this pain exists. It seems so irrational. So when life runs smoothly it’s often buried under layers of denial or numbed out by a wide variety of methods.
At any given moment we can choose how to deal with the pain: deny, numb or face it. Only by facing it can it be transcended.
We might not face it very elegantly the first few times but with perseverance it is possible. Courage is also needed.
So what is the true cause of this pain?
Is it the wound where we were separated from God at birth?
Is it a symptom of our separation from our true Selves?
Is it really a way to find out who we are?
I mean, WHAT IS IT? And, more importantly, how do we put an end to it?
For me this pain has been impossible to deny since I was very young. I could suppress it but I could never deny it.
It was there. Like a roadblock.
I tried to deal with it the best I could, which wasn’t very good at all. I was painfully aware that in me existed a pain that couldn’t be explained.
I saw it in others too, mostly in the form of painful relationships. I saw it in the painful choices people made and in my own painful choices. I saw it underlie all existence, on a wider scale as well; in natural disasters, war, poverty, disease, death.
It can take time to get to the bottom of suffering. Actually, there is no real bottom. What you might think is the bottom or end of it is really an opening.
Over the years I have come to realize, feel and experience, that at the bottom of this suffering there is unfathomable joy and lightness. Intense energy and joy. Peace and freedom. Beauty and meaning. Our very essence.
It's an opening into oneness, a rebirth of innocence, liberation, salvation, freedom. There are many names.
I’m beginning to think that this suffering is a direct road to Self-realization, love, truth and freedom. But it’s a thorny path and there is no one there to guide you but yourself. You’ll get a little support here and there but it’s essentially your own journey. We don’t really want help anyway. We want to do it on our own. Which is completely right because no one else has your unique experiences.
No one can tell you what you need.
I still experience life’s little tricks and games. But the difference is that I now always see it for what it is. I’m not swayed by it anymore. I know it’s not that real so I don’t fight it. I know it’s just showing me the way. It’s just there to make me understand that I have to look inside for answers. All I have to do is to remember that the drama is my own construction, for my own benefit. And when I remember – magic happens.
At the bottom of suffering lies its dissolution. The dissolution of suffering is the gateway to freedom. The journey is endless, mysterious, sublime...