If you are on a spritual path everything that happens to you has deep meaning. It’s what you need and what’s best for you, wether it’s good or bad.

This is only true if you are serious about finding out what you are. If you are not on spritiual path you can rage all you want. Just continue to get angry, hurt or offended when things don’t go your way. You have all the right to do that.

But if you are on a spirtitual path you find that everything that happens has relevance. You never blame anyone for anything because you see the bigger picture.

If you are on a spiritual path no one is wrong and no one has wronged you. They just are where they are and express whatever they are able to express.

Everyone is where they are. Everyone express the love they are capable of expressing. No more, no less.

If you are on a spiritual path you never feel you are better than anyone else. As a spiritual being you know you are the same as the beggar on the street and presidents.

There are levels of ignorance but the truth is the truth. We are all the same.

When you are on a spiritual path you take everytning in stride because you have agreed to be taught. You have decided that growing is more important than getting what you want or being right.

The magnetism of the world has lost its power to attract you.
You will be tested.
You will be thoroughly tested.
You will have to show that you are sincere.
You will have to show that you trust.

It will hurt but you are able to see beyond. You allow life to teach you.

You don’t choose spirituality in order to get what you want. If you choose spirituality to satisfy your desires, whether they are spiritual, sexual or material, you may get what you want but you won’t be spiritual and eventually the dream will crash. Then you might start on your true journey.

Don’t create a spiritual persona. Just be who you are. Don’t identify with your emotions. Just watch what happens.

Spirituality and desire, unless it is of God, is mutually exclusive. As simple as that. There’s nothing wrong with desire. But it’s not spiritual.

If you want money or sex or things, go on, desire it. Enjoy it or miss it. Live it. Love it. Then when you are thorougly satisfied or thoroughly disappointed, God or spirituality is there for you.

Material success is not a proof of the goodness of your soul. Renuniciation is not a proof ot the goodness of  your soul either. The goodness of your soul needs no proof. You are it. What proof do you need to know you are?

I’ve been trying to know you but I can’t. There is no strength in me, no true will or trust, and no ability. I am helpless. I’ve been trying to be good and do what’s right but I can’t because the will is lacking and the trust is weak - a horrible realization, devastating. I thought I was on the road but I walked beside it. I don’t have what it takes to be on it, I never will. I can’t bring myself closer to you. I’m helpless. You will have to carry me.

So there is nothing left for me to do. Nothing. All that remains is for me to open myself to you completely and let you do all the work for me. It's your work anyway. It never belonged to me. But even that I cannot do. My helplessness is deeper than my memory. I thought my actions served you. It was all illusion. I can’t open myself to you. I am powerless. I have to wait for you.

I know now that I don’t know anything. It’s the only thing I know. I can’t judge anyone or anything because I have no way of knowing all there is to know about a situation or a person. I simply do not know! I give up trying and I offer all I am and have and do. I offer life and death. I offer all. If there is a key you have it. I don’t have to know. I listen and I listen deeply but I don’t have to know.

I am only now. I have no past or future. I am born to you each day. I am an infant in this world; I was created just this instant. In a moment I am gone.

I understand now that praying for a stronger will was wrong. I shouldn’t ask for my will to be perfected. I should only ask for your will to be done in me, for your will to be done even if I never know or understand. Your will be done. Your will, not mine. Now that nothing has a meaning and a feather is a heavy load, I carry the world on my back and wrap myself in loneliness you tailored just for me. Look how well it suits me, look how pretty the fabric runs over each and everyone of us. 

It can only be through you that I am true. Everything is an illusion. There is only you, veiled in ever-changing shroud and mantle. You came to me in death, when I most needed you. You offered me the sweetest love, then took it all away before I could barely taste it. Everything is an illusion. There is only you.

You tested me and challenged me. For what? For me to realize I can’t trust myself? For me to finally admit I’m no one? Why, my love, why? Because I know you already know all there is to know about me. You don’t have to test me for your own purposes. You can see straight into my heart. You know my deepest wishes, any evil I can’t see myself, and anything I have ever tried to keep a secret. You know me. You see me for what I am. It’s useless to pretend anything in front of you. I never have. You still love me. I never doubted that.

I know you could make me love you perfectly. Yet you don’t. Are you waiting for my cooperation, the one I can’t seem to carry out? Is that what you want from me? To give it all away, to throw away the key (should you decide to give it to me), to enter into the heart and disappear? I can’t do it. I accept it now. I have learned to wait. It’s not for me to either condemn or praise myself. I will have to wait.

Oh, so silent now, so still. The moon is in the lake and the lake is in the moon. So silent now, so still. I have forgotten all the names I used for objects. I have forgotten all the names I used for things that never could exist. Forget me now and make me yours. Forgive me now and make me one with all. Make me smaller than a seed and larger than a forest. Make me brighter than a sun and darker than a universe, harder than a diamond and softer than a snowflake. Eat me now. There is no bitterness in me, only the sweetness you planted in my bones and the lovely smell of home. 

I remember you. I always did.

I am all. All is me. Nothing is apart from God.
What God gives I will take. What God takes I will give.

So many weaknesses in me
So many flaws
So little strength
So little virtue
So many fears
So many lies
So little truth
So little insight
All I’ve got
is that I know;
I know of you.
All I’ve got
is this heart 
of yours.

Yes, life gives a mixed bag. The content of this bag is rarely one dimensional, black or white. So how do you sort it all out? How do you live in a world that is so vast and so contradictory as ours? How to live when your understanding just can’t cover it all? 

Even if you have a much smaller perspective life is still quite confusing. Why do I behave the way I do, why do others behave the way they do? Why did this happen? Etc etc.

How to deal with life? The eternal question.

Do you try to determine what is right and wrong from your limited perspective? Do you guess how things are when you don’t really know? Or do you simply make decision how it is? Do you judge, condemn, try to change others to think like you?

You’re in for some big fights.

Or do you live with constant confusion and uncertainty? One day feeling one way and another way the next? Do you live with fear because you can’t control life? Do you feel powerless?

You’re in for a roller coaster ride.

Both ways will leave you exhausted.

What to do then?

Try to give it over! Give it all over and if you take it back give it over again.

How?

This is practical.

It’s easier if you have something you can relate to,something that is bigger than you but still feels personal. Why? Because you can then have a little conversation where you lay out your difficulties. (You can replace the word God below with anything that is a power greater than you and that you can relate to.)

I talk to God every day. I ask God to carry my burdens because they are simply too heavy for me alone and I have no way of knowing how to solve my problems. I ask God to help others solve their problems because I can’t solve it for them.

I tell God: “You know my heart, you know where it’s hardened, you know where it’s soft, you know where it’s murky, you know its joy. I give my heart to you, all of it. Here, take it. I give it over.”

I tell God I’m clueless. I tell God what my dreams are.

I give everything over to God. Even love and joy. My heart is not my property! I just happen to carry it. I just happen to fill it, with useless things sometimes.

It’s hard to give things over because we are often attached to our problems, for various reasons. One reason being that it gives us great satisfaction if we can solve our problems ourselves. And that IS a great satisfaction.

But sometimes. It’s just good to give it over. To admit our confusion and our inability to fix things.

It’s hard to really give things over because the problem often comes jumping right back at you. Let’s say you worry about something that you can’t control. You talk to God and you tell God that you can’t solve this. You ask God to help you give it over, to manage it for you. If you succeeded in giving it over, you feel instant relief. But the worry often starts seeping in again.

Then give it over again. Over and over again. Until there is relief.

This doesn’t mean that you then sit back and do nothing about your or the world’s problems. No. This means more focus, more clarity and inspiration for action. It usually means that you have opened yourself up to see things differently and that you have opened yourself up to be led – by a power greater than yourself. 

And sometimes, quite often actually, it means that at least your personal problems are instantly solved. Don't ask me how. I've just noticed that it happens. 

God never forsakes one who has surrendered – Ramana Maharshi

I have started about five different blog posts the last week but stopped after a few lines. I don’t have much to say anymore. There is so little to talk about.

There is no truth that will set us free. There is no method that will tell us how to live. Spirituality is not separate from daily life. Spirituality is life. Life is spiritual and I have no clue about life. I know absolutely nothing.

I don’t even understand myself so how can I know anything about life? I don’t know what is going on inside my body and I don’t know what my subconscious is up to. I can only observe and ponder.

I try to be as honest with myself as I can. At least I try not to lie to myself. But even that is difficult because I can’t always separate my own inner truth from expectations and wants created from the outside.

I don’t follow any particular disciplines. No particular diet, no particular exercise, no particular time for meditation. The only discipline I follow is to try to make my kids laugh every day. I try to listen to them and see them. They are my best teachers.

I just live and let it all flow, fluctuate and form itself into the life of Charlotte. Life is so short. All we have is our relationships.

The deep spiritual relationships – where you recognize each other as you are, beyond the person – are priceless, divine in nature, beyond time and space. These relationships are always nurturing and loving.

The psychological relationships – where the personal afflictions are at play – show you your wounds and offer ways to go beyond, if you are open to it. These relationships can be both loving and destructive.

I live day by day, breath by breath. Life is freakishly real in one way and the most incredible illusion in another. It’s God and I. I don’t question God. I try not to bargain with God. I try not to judge but I forgive myself if I do. Life is. There is so much IS-ness about life that it’s hard to tell that it’s all you.

I want to clarify yesterday’s post. It’s only the CONCEPT of spirituality I’m going beyond, not what it ACTUALLY denotes. What it comes down to is that I am closer to God, source, Self, truth, The One, etc, than ever. But all those words are just names for something unspeakable - so it’s really meaningless to say much about it.

That’s why I say I’m turning to an even simpler point of being.

Because that which I was seeking, that perhaps all of us are seeking, is so close and so intimate that it’s hard to see, so simple that it’s easy to miss.

You are more than welcome to contact me. I am happy to answer questions about spirituality. (Don’t be afraid to use that word in my presence! I know what you really mean.) You can also ask me to write about a topic that interest you. There are still a couple of weeks left! Stay in touch.

It’s very likely that I will do more Explorations in the future. Make sure I have your e-mail address if you want to know when. (Send it here. If you don’t get a confirmation, I didn’t receive your e-mail or my mail went to your junk folder.)

With the greatest respect and admiration for your path,

Charlotte

I have devoted my whole life to find out who I am. I don’t know why but it has been the single most important endeavor in my life. I had to know who I was so that I could be free. Since I was a child I have wanted this.

Fast forward many years: Now I know who I am. I’m no one and everyone. Where do you go from there? That’s easy. I go nowhere. I am already here. 

I looked at myself from the moon, sort of. I saw my life and how I had used it. I saw choices I had made. They didn’t seem like choices anymore. Every choice had been inevitable. I couldn’t have chosen differently. I saw I am not this body. I am not this body’s emotions. I am not its memories. I am pure awareness.

The next thought that came: So what am I supposed to do for the rest of my life on Earth then?

It made me feel depressed.

I just couldn’t figure out a way to relate to it. How do you live in the world with the knowledge that you are not your body? I was of course still dependent on my body and my physical life went on as normal, as if nothing had happened. Yet nothing was the same. The world was different. It didn’t behave like it used to. It wasn’t as real. In a good way.  

For a long time I felt that I had to do something.  

Then it happened. It was subtle. Very, very subtle. I just slipped out of my ordinary feeling of what my life was supposed to be like. 

Before this happened I felt I had given up everything. All my most precious dreams were given up. Not that I didn’t want any of it but I had emotionally let it go. I didn’t need it the way I had needed it before. I didn’t desire it. If it happened – fine. If it didn’t happen – fine.

This was freedom in itself.

But I still couldn’t figure out what to do with my life. I still felt I had to do something. After all, that’s what people do. They do stuff. They do stuff they like and they do stuff they have to. They talk about what they have done and they talk about what they want to do. Doing is king.

But there weren’t many things I wanted to do. And there weren’t many things I had to do. It left an awful of of time to fill. I couldn’t figure it out. The only thing I knew was that I didn’t want to do things just to fill up my time.

It had to be meaningful and important.

Then it just seeped into my system somehow and all of sudden I had it figured out. I knew exactly what I was supposed to do the rest of my time here on Earth.

Nothing! 

This is not what people want to hear when they start out on their spiritual journey. They want to be promised everything. They want to hear that they are going to get all that they want. All the spiritual self help books and many spiritual teachers promise this. Even if they preach letting go they still somehow promise that you are indeed going to get what you want. Let go of your ego and then you’ll get everything you ever wanted.

Well, if you want to let go of your ego I can tell you that the ego is not going to fall for that. The ego will remain fully intact. It will wait for its goodies while pretending to be given up. The spiritual egos are the worst! It’s the ego’s job to want things, to crave things. That’s what it does for a living.

Anyway, I realized that I am simply supposed to be living each and every day out of this body doing what this body has to do. I don’t need to concern myself with what. There are certain duties and there are certain inclinations. That’s perfectly fine. I just do what I do. I don’t crave experiences. I don’t crave people and things. I accept what comes. Being is king!

It sounds totally unremarkable but to me it is sublime. I am free! The only thing I ever truly wanted.

It doesn’t matter to me what others do or don’t do. Everyone is perfect in choosing what they want. Everyone I meet is perfect just the way they are. They couldn’t be in any other way.

None of this is mine. This body isn’t mine. This family isn’t mine. Theses relationships aren’t mine. This stuff isn’t mine. I still enjoy it all. I lovingly accept all, as it is.

I say to myself: “This is the way Charlotte’s life turned out. This is where she lives, this is what she does, what she eats. Look at that!”

And I experience God. I feel God in my heart. Every day I feel God. I meditate and pray. I rarely ask for anything. I just give thanks. I don’t belong to any religion. I don’t follow any particular direction except from love. I don’t have to. My experience is so strong, my faith unshakeable. My God has set me free. I am loved unconditionally.

It’s like I was given an injection and it’s still spreading in my system. I’m pretty sure that it will never stop. I will continue expanding every day because that’s what the soul does for a living.

So I experienced some divine love. Always so sweet. Like honey in my veins. Simple and relaxed! No big deal. In the beginning it was hard to stay there, in love. Even the smallest provocation could cause the delicious feeling to evaporate.

You know, bad news of some kind, an unpleasant encounter with another human being. Tiredness. Fear. Disappointment.

And love was all gone. Poff!

How do I remain in the center of myself without habitually reacting in the same old patterns? How do I stay in that love even when everything and everyone seems to be against me and my precious peace?

The simple answer is: nothing is against me, never has been, never will be. Nothing is against you either. Life happens. We react to it. The good news is, we can change our reaction.

I probably wouldn’t have agreed to that at all a few years back. Then it was obvious that things were against me and/or that others had treated me badly in one way or another. It’s not like that anymore.

What changed?

Many things changed. Definitely not overnight. I didn’t follow any direction except from the inside. That took some time to establish. So exactly how do you do it? Well, now to the part that might make you stop reading:

There are no simple answers!  Except the simple one above that nothing is wrong. But that doesn’t show you HOW to do it and as such it’s pretty worthless. Worthless until you are firmly established in your heart, centered in yourself. Then it makes sense. Until then it’s just an abstract idea.

No matter what anyone will tell you, there are no quick fixes. There aren’t even any methods. There are no How-to that fits everyone. The only thing anyone can do is to share how they did it and maybe someone out there will feel it speaks to them, too.

Here’s a little bit of how I did it.

First of all I made a decision that I wanted change no matter what. That is a vulnerable but necessary position. From there you allow change to happen.

From there I started walking, one step after another. Here are some brief hints about my path:

My path is LOVE. Growing love, difficult love, painful love, glorious love, exquisite love, comforting love, passionate love, flowing love, all encompassing love, transcendental love. My feeling of love, or lack thereof, is my greatest teacher. 

My path is ACCEPTANCE. Acceptance of mistakes, failures, weaknesses. Acceptance of being unique and deeply loved for who you are. Acceptance of all others.

My path is RESPECT. Respect of all your deepest needs. Respect of others’ deepest needs.

My path is HONESTY. To be honest with yourself, with what you feel and want. Being honest with others is part of being honest with yourself. This takes a lot of courage.

My path is PATIENCE. Patience to continue walking in confusion, stormy weather, when you don’t know where you’re going. You continue walking because you know you can’t return to where you were. This requires the greatest courage. So much courage that all your energy is required.

My path is SURRENDER. Surrender to who you are, to your life, to God. This is beautiful and supremely easy. It’s easy because it’s nothing you can make happen. It will happen for you – when you are ready. But you can make yourself available for it.

Many people don’t want to change old patterns. Perhaps because it’s old and familiar. That is absolutely fine. Everyone gets to choose what they want. If you still are reading this you are most likely not one of them. But you will still meet many of them in your life. It’s best to just peacefully disregard. Let it be.

When you start out you are not going to be able to stay in bliss for extended periods of time. And you are not supposed to! You are supposed to integrate and see who you are. That often takes some time and some suffering. Your old defenses and structures most often wont leave without making themselves heard.

I won’t lie. It can be painful. This is where many people give up. They don’t realize that they are making enormous progress. They just feel the pain. Maybe they had grown in honesty and people around them didn’t like it. If you are honest with who you are it forces others to be honest with who they are. People who are not ready for this are NOT going to like that.

Keep walking. Persevere. Get up when you fall. Keep trying.

Little by little you’ll discover that you can keep standing in the storm. That wherever you are seems to be the eye of the storm. You stop falling down. You become aware of your reactions. You then stop reacting and start responding. You begin to see yourself with enormous clarity. Not only yourself but others as well.

Your heart starts to swell and soften, any obstructions melt away. Your love flows freely to everyone. Regardless if they deserve it or not.

Now love sticks to you like a magnet, you are in it, of it, for it, by it. It’s also spelled F-R-E-E-D-O-M. It’s breathtakingly beautiful and worth every step of the way.

Love always. Listen to your heart. It will tell you everything you need to know. Everything. Don’t doubt it.

Surrender is a beautiful process.
It’s emotional and spiritual.
It’s not intellectual.
You can’t understand it with your mind. 
It's a master and a servant. 
You can feel it.
You can't explain it.

Three different paths all lead to surrender. 

When you surrender to life you accept all that happens and all that is.
When you surrender to the Self you merge with your own sense of being, the life force which permeates the whole universe.
When you surrender to God you put all your cares in his hands and happily accept everything he lays before you.

It all comes to the same.The depth of it is incomprehensible.

Whichever path you choose surrender means to give up control. It’s not easy to do. Most people hate it. Why? Because we are so sure of what we want and need – and what we think others should want and need.

We like to think that we are in full command of our lives. When things don’t happen they way we wanted there is disappointment or depression.

To surrender means to accept, even appreciate, whatever comes your way. Even if I don’t understand why things happen the way they do. Even if I don’t like it.

I relax into what is.
I give up my most cherished fights.
I quarrel with nothing.
I stop commanding.
I stop forcing.
I start receiving and accepting.
I want nothing.
I want everything.

In surrender you are happy in every situation. It means being naturally relieved of disappointment and depression. Not because bad things don’t happen but because you don’t judge good and bad the way you used to. 

Few people achieve complete surrender immediately but partial surrender is always possible. A first step to surrender is letting go. Another early step is to stop resisting what is, to stop fighting the world.

A more advanced step is to admit that you are indeed helpless. And to sit with that helplessness and to fully, fully embrace it. Don’t be afraid of the temporary emptiness that comes when you first lay down your weapons. It will soon be filled with your authentic self, with bliss.

Surrender doesn’t mean that you force yourself to endure what you don’t want. Surrender means that you don’t resist what is while knowing what you want without attachment to it – and no aversion toward what you don't want.

That's a tough one. 

Sometimes life forces you to surrender by being a total bitch. That's the master aspect of surrender. Sometimes you melt into surrender by a softened heart. That's the servant aspect of surrender.

Surrender means being completely honest with yourself. It also means grace because you are given the possibility to surrender through your desire to do it.

It’s your gift. See if it has arrived. 

To fully and completely accept and love yourself is part of surrender. You can’t surrender and still have complaints about yourself, or anyone else.

Surrender is unconditional love. Unconditional love is surrender.

In giving up all you gain all. But you haven’t surrendered until you loose all expectation of gaining anything from it. That’s the tricky part.

We always want something in return. 

Sure, you'll get it. But you can’t demand or even expect it.

I’m so grateful that I was given this gift.
I’m so grateful that I had the desire to accept it.
It’s not done by me.
I can only entertain the desire.
Everything is as it should.
Thy will be done… 

Nothing needs to be changed.Just add awareness.