Everything I write on this blog is first hand experience.. I decided early on that every word I publish here has to come from my own experience, from my heart. I have had many teachers in many shapes and forms. I am grateful for what they have taught me and for my heart remaining open in even the most difficult expereince.

It’s not my job to create theories or state “truths”. Truth is. Nothing needs to be said about that. It’s my job to convey experience, to inspire others to investigate for themselves. Don’t believe me. Test me! I write what I know and not what I have heard.

But now that I’m writing about death I sidestep that vow. I’m obviously not dead. I have never died. I have never had a near death experience, and I am not immediately dying.

My only experience with death his that of a close friend who died and second (or third?) hand experiences from others who have lost loved ones.

Technically we are all dying. We all go towards death every single moment. It’s just that some of us can maintain the illusion that our lives will go on in eternity while others cannot. If you are dying from a disease – how can you fool yourself? You will have to face your mortality. You will have to face that you are soon stepping into the unknown and most likely (this is a guess) you will quickly learn what is important in life.

Most likely you will learn a lot about life in death. Much more than others who are not aware of death and dying. Death teaches about life. Death teaches about love.

While you live in good health it’s fairly easy to pretend, or forget..This plays in well with our habit of taking everything for granted. I take my health for granted, my loved ones’ health for granted, my lifestyle for granted etc. And we keep on running towards goals that we think will make us happy.

When the only moment for happiness is now.  Not later, not before, but now.

We take life for granted and we take all the wonders of this world for granted. If you stop and think about a seed, for example, if you really go deep into it – how can you not be blown away? If you think about a sperm and an egg merging and creating a new life – how can you not be completely dumbfounded? When you think about that you get to experience this universe from an earthly perspective – when it would be much more likely for you to not exist AT ALL - - -

We are so tiny. You could have been stardust instead. But you are a human being on planet Earth. You have a heart and a brain. You can move around independently.

We desperately want to make ourselves bigger by becoming something, being ”something”. And forget that it is in just BEING that we are immeasurable. We run away from our mortality when we could sit down and invite it, when we could let it teach us about all the wonders of the world, about love and meaning.

I have chosen to live in wonder. I have chosen to see all these little small things in my life. It has led to a life that is so full of beauty and wonder that I sometimes just melt and explode at the same time. How the sunshine touches a leaf, eye contact with a stranger, the blueness of the sky, the wildness of my feelings, and even the sorrows of my life. They have their own special beauty.

In choosing wonder you will sooner or later have to face your mortality and your deepest fears. Or rather, the other way around: In facing your mortality you come to live in wonder. This facing is not pretty. True. But you will go through it and in doing that you will learn something about life and love.

Life and death are inseparable. Desire itself is life. Blind desire for something is running away. Pure desire is a blessing. Pure desire is surrender, love, God.

When I think about my own death I feel that it will be a blessing if I am allowed to die with awareness. I hope that I won’t die in my sleep. Just like I gave birth to a new life in full awareness I want to die in full awareness. Of course, if I get very sick and suffer extremely I might change that wish. I don’t know. But if you take away physical suffering, I wish that I can die slowly and with full awareness.

I have come to believe that dying can be a beautiful experience. I have come to believe that if you face all your fears while living, dying will be easier. The transition from life to death will be smoother. Because your fear is your resistance and resistance always creates suffering. You might be right in your resistance, death might be unfair, but at this point right and wrong is irrelevant. Even fairness is irrelevant here. That hurts of course. But the sooner you can let it go the closer you will be to love.

Dying is of extreme significance. If you live your life in unawareness you will die in unawareness. That seems to me the biggest and saddest waste. I have noticed, by experience, that when people die they leave a gift to the living. It is your choice to accept it or not. The most obvious gift is the heart opening in the middle of grief that I have seen time and time again. The dead teach us to love one another. Death opens up for love among the living.

Apart from that there is a myriad of other gifts that will be unique for you. A relationship with a dead person never ceases. Just like any relationship it grows and changes and deepens. This too is a beautiful gift. 

You are so endlessly loved and embraced.

When all desires are gathered into one
and it no longer can be contained.
When all the dancers have become the dance
and the music is in the hearts alone.
When the moon is brighter than the sun
and the night has devoured all the stars.
When the prayers are silent
and the tears so sweet.
When that which does not make sense, makes sense
and the meanings are rendered unimportant.
Then this body is a temple and I am no more.
Because you made me what I am and showed me
how to move and I became the melody you played,
I became the fragrance, the shades and tones.
It’s like eternity, infinity, endlessness and forever;
all those things that we have words for but
only can be known inside our hearts.

I’m carrying her body as if it were mine.
I comb her hair and brush her teeth.
I say her words and feel her feelings.
She is always with me.
I have a unique opportunity
to observe her life.
She shares the most intimate
details with me, thinking
there is only her.
She thinks we are the same.
Or rather she thinks I am her.
She doesn’t realize yet
that she is me
and that we
are one.
She can’t hear me yet,
my soft voice drowning
in her turmoil.

Three thoughts I recently posted on Facebook:

How people view me doesn’t change who I am. If they view me favorably and it’s not true, I know it’s a lie. Perhaps I can fool others but how can I fool myself? If they view me unfavorably and it’s not true, I also know it’s a lie. It won’t change who I am and it can never - ever - touch me. So why be concerned with what others think? It’s really beside the point. Why would you believe others more than yourself? Live like that and you will never be offended by anything or anyone.

Same thought with a slightly different angle: If people view me favorably and it’s not true, I know it’s a lie. But if their perception of me is flattering, I might delude myself into thinking it’s true. I’m then living a lie and will constantly need others confirmation of my greatness. I'm using others to create a self-image I’m happy with. If people view me unfavorably and it’s not true, I also know it’s a lie. But likewise I might convince myself that they are right - and I’d be living a lie. I have then used others to create a self-image I’m unhappy with. Know thyself! (and be true to you)

I’m grateful to everyone I meet. Especially the ones that rub me the wrong way. They are my most important teachers. They show me exactly which way I have to go. All I have to do is to be attentive and not to fall into the trap. To be attentive is to know exactly what mechanisms they evoke in me, what the consequences are and how not to fall. The trap is fear, anger, and blame. Then all is lost and nothing gained. But life will give endless chances to try again, and again, until you learn to break the cycle.


And then I added:

This doesn’t mean that you should fake gratefulness and suppress your angry feelings with a smile. It means that you take responsibility for what you feel and really feel it as you try to understand what happens in you. But it also means not to act while you are under the sway of your emotions. If you need to speak your mind, do it afterwards when you are calm and clear.

If you do this consistently and patiently your discoveries will be nothing short of miraculous.