A letter to God

I’ve been trying to know you but I can’t. There is no strength in me, no true will or trust, and no ability. I am helpless. I’ve been trying to be good and do what’s right but I can’t because the will is lacking and the trust is weak - a horrible realization, devastating. I thought I was on the road but I walked beside it. I don’t have what it takes to be on it, I never will. I can’t bring myself closer to you. I’m helpless. You will have to carry me.

So there is nothing left for me to do. Nothing. All that remains is for me to open myself to you completely and let you do all the work for me. It's your work anyway. It never belonged to me. But even that I cannot do. My helplessness is deeper than my memory. I thought my actions served you. It was all illusion. I can’t open myself to you. I am powerless. I have to wait for you.

I know now that I don’t know anything. It’s the only thing I know. I can’t judge anyone or anything because I have no way of knowing all there is to know about a situation or a person. I simply do not know! I give up trying and I offer all I am and have and do. I offer life and death. I offer all. If there is a key you have it. I don’t have to know. I listen and I listen deeply but I don’t have to know.

I am only now. I have no past or future. I am born to you each day. I am an infant in this world; I was created just this instant. In a moment I am gone.

I understand now that praying for a stronger will was wrong. I shouldn’t ask for my will to be perfected. I should only ask for your will to be done in me, for your will to be done even if I never know or understand. Your will be done. Your will, not mine. Now that nothing has a meaning and a feather is a heavy load, I carry the world on my back and wrap myself in loneliness you tailored just for me. Look how well it suits me, look how pretty the fabric runs over each and everyone of us. 

It can only be through you that I am true. Everything is an illusion. There is only you, veiled in ever-changing shroud and mantle. You came to me in death, when I most needed you. You offered me the sweetest love, then took it all away before I could barely taste it. Everything is an illusion. There is only you.

You tested me and challenged me. For what? For me to realize I can’t trust myself? For me to finally admit I’m no one? Why, my love, why? Because I know you already know all there is to know about me. You don’t have to test me for your own purposes. You can see straight into my heart. You know my deepest wishes, any evil I can’t see myself, and anything I have ever tried to keep a secret. You know me. You see me for what I am. It’s useless to pretend anything in front of you. I never have. You still love me. I never doubted that.

I know you could make me love you perfectly. Yet you don’t. Are you waiting for my cooperation, the one I can’t seem to carry out? Is that what you want from me? To give it all away, to throw away the key (should you decide to give it to me), to enter into the heart and disappear? I can’t do it. I accept it now. I have learned to wait. It’s not for me to either condemn or praise myself. I will have to wait.

Oh, so silent now, so still. The moon is in the lake and the lake is in the moon. So silent now, so still. I have forgotten all the names I used for objects. I have forgotten all the names I used for things that never could exist. Forget me now and make me yours. Forgive me now and make me one with all. Make me smaller than a seed and larger than a forest. Make me brighter than a sun and darker than a universe, harder than a diamond and softer than a snowflake. Eat me now. There is no bitterness in me, only the sweetness you planted in my bones and the lovely smell of home. 

I remember you. I always did.